A Lack of Color

I'm beginning to feel like I've lost alot of excitement in my life. I guess the past few weeks I've been feeling a bit underwhelmed about many things. I lost touch with so much that I feel at times lonely, but not really depressed? I miss my friends. I miss being able to hang out and talk to someone about whatever it is I feel like talking about. I don't have that as much as I used to. My closest friends have all left this city and moved on to bigger and better things. I'm still here. I'm not saying I'm not happy about my choice; I am more than excited about my career right now. But I sorely miss my best friends:

Scott, who's moved to Japan. He was my buddy for everything. We did everything together. I can't wait til you come back for the holiday.

Neil, who moved to Denver and in a year to the east coast. Again, he was one of the very few people I could talk about anything about to and he'd understand. Whenever I needed something or wanted to go do something, Neil or Scott were always there for me. I don't think I have that too much anymore.

There's also Ted, who hasn't moved anywhere, in fact he still lives 8 blocks away, but he's so busy these days that he's never around. And we've drifted apart "socially", if that makes sense. But down inside, we're still able to communicate our ordeals without a problem. He knows me better than any of my friends. More than the ones I currently hang out with and only Scott or Neil are up there. But Ted is different, he catches on and knows me before I know myself. I miss hanging out with him, getting a drink, watching sports, and being nerdy playing video games or whatever we are doing. I hung out with him and his brother a couple weeks back and it was just like old times again. Fun times.

There's others that have left too, and more notably, Melissa. But these were the three friends who I think I had a very strong bond to and now its broken to an extent. I still talk to Scott and Neil on AIM or on the phone every once in a while, but it's not the same. I can't just pick them up and go to the coffee shop or go get a drink or lunch/dinner and just hang out, and catch up. It doesn't work that way anymore.

At least I still have some people here and there. I'm not saying I'm a caged animal stuck in my room all day long sobing and weeping. I still go out and do things with people but at the same time I miss my closest buds. You know? Friday I went to watch a movie and Saturday to watch the husky game with some newly adopted friends, who I guess aren't new to me, but it is more recent that we've been "hanging out" and I really appreciate their acceptance. It's nice to know that there are groups of people just like me around. :)

Saturday night, I guess, was when I really came to feeling this way. I was getting fairly lonely about things, and Jake and Kristina told me to come over and hang out at Jake's new place. Its great to have a friend like Jake too. I like my friends. They are good people. I miss some of them alot though. Sigh.

I think I need a coffee shop talk sometime soon, only thing is, I don't really have anyone for that nowadays. I have so much I want to talk about... life love and the pursuit of happiness. Stuff like that. I can only take so much of talking about this stuff to my cousins. They listen, but at the same time, I can't always rely on them for advice or listening stuff. Sometimes they drive me insane, sometimes they are wonderful. I don't know. I'm confused about alot of things, and I wish I knew an answer for everything, but that would make being alot less exciting?!

I think I'm running myself into a wall these days. Reluctant and timid, afraid and lackadaisical. Unfortunate and unconfident. Too hesistant for my lack of color, knowledge, or sense of chivalry. I want to take the steps to change all of this, and show what I really am; the ant within the anthony to everyone and not the people I feel comfortable around, but it's hard sometimes, especially when you have other emotions or attachments standing in the way. That could be one of the corniest things I've written, or in this case, typed, but its basically, in all its earnest, true.

In the words of Ben Gibbard, I want so badly to believe that there is truth and that love is real.